Hey Dad.

Hey dad
I'm writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart

Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we're alright
But we're alright
We're alright

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years Learning how to survive
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive

The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There's things I'll take
To my grave
But I'm ok
I'm ok

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive
And I'm still alive

Sometimes I forget
Yeah, and this time
I'll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive

And sometimes I forget
This time I'll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad

- Good Charlotte

Word Vomit.

You know that stuff that comes up when you aren't thinking and then you cover your mouth afterwards and wish you didn't say it. Well I've got some word vomit but it's more so words that just need to be vomited. This is just me venting, so no worries. I am completely happy for everyone around me.

Another month has passed and no baby. When I found out this morning I took a shower and have been in bed ever since. I'm still in bed as I'm typing this. I knew it would hit me hard again if we weren't pregnant this month. I was just beginning to accept the fact that it would happen when it would happen. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up by watching pregnancy vlogs and planning our babies room out where everything will go when the time comes.

I want to wake up every morning and puke. I want to feel bloated all the time not due to the fact that I'm bloated but that there's a bun in the oven. I want to get big and swollen. I want to crave pickles and ice cream together. I want to pee every five seconds. I want to waddle when I walk. I want to have sonograms. I want to add onesies to my laundry. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. All I want is a baby.

I think about babies and pregnancy all day long and everyone around me is either pregnant or having babies.

I'm this close to going to the doctor and getting a shot and then having my own show on tlc.

I am really happy for everyone around me that is adding to their families, I just want to join the club. I'm done with telling my clients "no, no kids yet" when they ask if I have kids. It's starting to depress me.

I love to see the Temple.

Jose and I got the chance to go to the Temple today with my brother Ben (not to be confused with Jose's brother Ben although Ben H. is brown and well my brother just wishes he was, he thinks he's a Mexican but that's for another blog.) and his wife Juli. I was such a huge blessing and just what I needed to kick start our year off right and boost my spirits.



I love the Temple and the spiritual confirmations you can recieve there. It is such a comfort to know that there is a heaven on earth, atleast I think that way about the Temple, and you can go there and even just sit outside it and feel the Spirit radiate of the outside.



It was interesting, as we walked outside to the front of the Temple there was a guy sitting on a bench reading his scriptures so we asked him to take a picture or two of us. As he sat back down I notice he went to grab his scriptures look up at us all and smile real big and give a little half laugh, (like the laughs you laugh when you think in your head "oh that's it") and it made me think about when I was living it Utah and I'd just go walk around Temple square and go visit the visitor's centers and just think about stuff that was going on in my head and receive small little answers. I felt as if that guy received some little answer like that when he laughed.

We went to Souper-Salad for lunch and ate too much even though it never seems like I get that much food. Then we went to walk it all off at IKEA. I have never been and if I was in a shopaholics anonymous group I would have been in BIG trouble. It's like a Toys R Us for shopaholics, but home stuff. I love home stuff.