Nothing particularly went wrong today. It went great actually.
Woke up cuddled my little man for a bit while he was still sleeping. He woke up, we changed his diaper I put him back in his crib took a shower and got dressed and then went to nurse the little monster because he was fussin for his momma. Dropped him off at my mom's went to work did a color, drove back to my mom's nursed Rocky, chatted a bit, nursed Rocky to sleep, left to grab a bite, went back to work, did another color, went back to my mom's, nursed Rocky, went to the store and got dinner ( I suck at meal planning, or sticking to the "plan" for that matter), went home cooked it, ate it, attempted to feed Rocky his dinner (green beans) he wasn't having it cause he only took one nap at Grandma's, so we nursed and he feel asleep around 8ish and has been asleep ever since (11:45 now)
He's not in his pjs. In fact his onesie isn't even buttoned because he was demanding to nurse so bad and didn't even want a diaper change.
But it's just been one of those days. I found myself getting in my car this morning and just wanting to cry. I keep making up excuses in my head, you've got some last minute things to do before Racheal's baby shower tomorrow, money's tight, Rocky is being a very attached momma's boy and you can't get anything done because that's his only symptom of teething, the house is dirty, the laundry needs to be done, your tired, your clothes don't fit. But that's all they are, excuses. None of them are valid. A very smart friend of mine posted this as her status the other day, it was something along the lines of she's a better parent when she does things out of love not obligation. I tried this so hard today to do this once I finally got Rocky to settle down and be quiet and fall asleep. Jose wanted me to go to the gym for 30 min to blow off steam and then soak in a hot bath for another 30. He went to go help my brother move some things in the new duplex they just bought (more on that later, it's a genius idea), and when he came home he asked what I was going to do and I said I was being held hostage and couldn't move because Rocky needed me there next to him. In the back of my mind I think maybe I needed to be there laying next to him feeling needed more then he needed me to. Cause sure enough he was doing his pass out, half wake up comfort nurse thing so I picked him up switched boobs and he was still out cold so I took him to his bed. And there he's been since 8:30ish. I didn't feel like leaving the house cause I was afraid of getting in my car and crying my eyes out for no reason at all just to cry and let it all out. (crap...like I'm doing right now) So I crafted some and made tissue puff ball things for the shower tomorrow. It helped. Then about 2 hrs ago now Jose said he was going to bed and I said I had to much to do so I was staying up. Honestly, I didn't want to go to bed cause I knew I'd cry and Jose hates to see me cry when I don't know why I do. (dang, depression).
And that my friend is the conclusion I've come to. My not-so-nice-friend depression. It's been visiting for a week, and I just fully realized it today as it came BAM slapped me in the face and dropped a ton of bricks on me. And I know it's not PMS that was almost 2 weeks ago. I have to figure out how to be a good mom with it. It's a daily struggle to work through it and take it one minute at a time. Most days thankfully are better then the rest. I'm better then this. I can beat this. I need to beat this. Rocky needs a fully functional mom. Jose deserves a wife, a homemaker. He doesn't deserve to come home to what he's come home to the past week and a half almost two weeks. But I can't go there either. I have to keep my head above water. Rocky doesn't know any better all he knows is if his mommy cuddles him and feeds him and changes his diaper and keeps him safe. (check) I do that. Jose (thankfully) understands. Silently understands. I owe him the world.
Part of me wants to be pregnant again. I was the HAPPIEST ever pregnant. I never felt like this, not once. But I am scared to death to be pregnant again. I had such a wonderful pregnancy, and fairly smooth labor and delivery I'm TERRIFIED it will be the complete opposite (and excuse my french but I don't know how else to describe it) I'm terrified it will be a living hell.
I am so encapsulating my placenta next time for days like this.
Thank goodness for tomorrows and starting over.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Our Unicorn
photo taken by Kendal Jessup.
Rocky's Birth Story.
I was going to post this earlier and try and get the detailed "event" list from my midwife but I'm a procrastinator and never did. So here goes Rocky's birth story. (It's kinda TMI so if you don't want to be grossed out don't read :) )
Saturday October 15,2011- I left my last day of work before the Rocky at like 2 and went home took a nap and then woke up and cleaned. When I say cleaned I mean cleaned like a mad woman in our already "clean" apartment. Then contractions started about 7:00pm. I knew they were contractions because I never knew when I was Braxton Hick contractions, my midwife had to point them out at a prenatal. Jose left to go get us Taco Bell and I began to keep track of my contractions they would range between 5-10 minutes apart. We ate, finished cleaning, then went to bed in hopes of waking up and having to call the midwife. (I believe this is the day pre labor started)
Sunday October 16, 2011-I woke up in the biggest disappointment of my life. No baby. Not even close. I was so bummed I missed church. Then the "congrats on the baby give me details!" text came. Talk about wanting to cry. Apparently someone had prayed for us in one of the Sacrament meeting prayers. (I thank them, who ever you are, dearly). That day came and went.
Monday October 17, 2011-Still no baby came that night. I sat around the house being completely LAZY. Which probably didn't do me any good at all.
Tuesday October 18, 2011-DUE DATE! I think every girl gets that "my waters going to break any second" feeling on their due date. I woke up showered, got dressed, ate breakfast and headed to my (thankfully last) prenatal appointment this pregnancy at Childbirth Services. Thalia was out of town and so Jeri, Diane, and Carmen were there. I went and peed in my cup and weighed and I weighed a whole 164 lbs, only 34lbs heavier then when I got pregnant! They checked my vitals and checked Rocky's heart beat and all was perfect. Then Jeri checked my cervix. I was dilated to a 2 and 50% effaced, she said my cervix felt very soft, which to them is a great thing especially for a first time mom. They told me don't do anything to rush the baby but eat carbs and lots of them. So I went on my "all carb diet". (had to throw my fav movie in there). I went to Target after my appointment and walked around.
Wednesday October 19, 2011-I woke up around 7:30 and noticed my underwear a little wet. I thought "my water broke!" I had to pee so I got up went to the bathroom and noticed blood, and mucous. No broken water just a lost mucous plug. I emailed Thalia to ask her what to do next. I was having contractions but nothing serious enough to call and say "I'm in labor!" Yet I was. (I've come to the conclusion I was in prelabor since Saturday night) I text Jose and told him "we're going to have a baby within 24hrs". He promptly responded with "do I need to come home is this for real?" YES! It was for real finally! But I told him he didn't need to come home just to stay posted and keep his phone close. I was going to try and go back to bed for a little longer.
That my friend, was a JOKE! Granted I wasn't having crazy hard contractions but enough to make me hate my life and not want to lay in bed. Kudos to those that birth in the hospital and have to lay in a bed! That hurt and was super uncomfortable. I got up took a shower, and ate some breakfast, cause all I wanted to do was move! Get up and move! I was supposed to have my visiting teacher over that day so I freaked and asked Jose what I should do. We ( I ) didn't want anyone but ourselves and the midwives to know when we were in labor because since we were having a home birth there's not exactly a waiting room for people to wait in and have a nurse update you every so often if need be and I didn't want to say "we're in labor!" and HOURS go by without anyone hearing anything and they worry. He told me to just tell her not to come over and I didn't feel good. I freaked cause I just knew once I told her we needed to reschedule cause I didn't feel good would red flag "she's in labor". Then I got asked by one of my dear co workers to go out to eat (which I could have gone and had my vt over...erg.) I freaked again. I acted completely opposite of the way I thought I would. Cause I surely knew if I told Brittany that I couldn't and didn't feel good she would so know I was in labor. I was also supposed to go to SAMs with my mom, that didn't happen either. I text Jose around 10 and tell him he better plan to come home around lunch. I'm not gonna lie my whole pregnancy I was pumped, I had it built it up in my head that I was going to have this quick easy labor and I had nothing to worry about and I would be chill. False. I freaked. I was scared out of my mind. I needed Jose home so I just wasn't alone. He got home between 12-1. And fixed me some lunch and went to burn the Rocky soundtrack and some other songs to play when Rocky was being born, because he dreamed up that the Rocky theme song would be played when Rocky was being born. (I'm pretty sure Jose would have died if that happened). I tried to focus. I know now I should have told Jose that we should go to the store and walk around or something, because little did I know it would be a while till Rocky was here. I labored and labored and called the midwives around 4 because I just wanted to give them the heads up "hey you probably shouldn't drive home" because they had been doing prenatals all day in Tyler. Jeri called me a little later to check up on my told me they were finishing up and going to grab a bite to eat and be there soon.
Jeri showed up at 8 and checked me. I was dilated to a 4 and pissed. I was frustrated that that's all it was. Diane showed up a little after came in said hi and then left our bedroom to let me do my thing. For the most part I was laboring on my knees leaned up against the bed swaying my hips when needed. It was the most comfortable things started to kick it up a notch and my hips and knees started to hurt so I went to relax in the tub and see if that helped any I got in there for a little bit and the warm water was heavenly. I had a vulnerable "I can't do this" moment, "Jose please beg them to break my water" moment. Jose wouldn't do it and he kept telling me I was doing awesome and that I was fine and it would break soon enough. I ended up asking Diane anyways and she helped me realize it would break eventually and it was going to be ok. I got out cause I was getting uncomfortable in our small tub. Jeri checked me again around 11 cause I just knew I had to be so close. I was half right. I was at a 7 and I said "crap I shouldn't of had you check me it's about to get rough and I'm about to hate my life". And I did, I hated it bad. I went and sat on our bedroom floor with Jose behind me helping me breath. Poor guy was pinned between me and the wall and with each contraction he got smooshed. Eventually my butt started to hurt so I tried getting on my knees again that wasn't comfortable anymore so we got on the bed and Jose sat behind me. I ended up getting super relaxed so Jeri told me I needed to change positions, because I wasn't helping things any. I had to go to the bathroom so I waddled to the bathroom (which labor was the only time I waddled during pregnancy...weird) and went potty and bam I was pushing. Jeri and Diane both said "oh she's pushing, lets get her to the bed" I freaked cause I knew what I was doing but I was just trying to focus and feel what was going on. I said "Can't I just go in there?" talking about the tub in my head since I was pushing Rocky was about to fall out, and I was scared I'd have that "I didn't know I was pregnant" moment and I turn and bam, baby. This was not the case.
(2:30 am October 20)I got in the tub tried to push for probably a good 30 min and it just wasn't happening I couldn't get any good worth while pushes. The tub was just too small. We moved to the bed and I was able to push a little better. Around 3:30 I had one really good push and have you ever seen a HUGE water balloon explode? MY WATER BROKE! FINALLY! The looks on Jeri and Diane's faces were priceless Diane I can't remember exactly what Diane said but I remember her saying something like "That's about to pop" and right as she went to grab another protective pad thing my water broke all over Jeri and the bed. It was awesome. I remember feeling frustrated like "ugh finally it broke and I'm not feeling immense pressure like I thought I would after it broke". That was probably due to the fact that I thought my legs were dislocated from my hips and I couldn't feel anything else. Jeri had to check me again to make sure nothing changed after my water broke, and it had I had de-dilated and I had an anterior lip on my cervix. So I had to sit and NOT push for about 3 contractions. I told Jeri "We are not friends right now". That is the worst thing ever! That's like telling someone who has to pee to go sit on the toilet and not pee. Rocky finally moved his sweet little head down to push my cervix right. And we were pushing again. I ended up getting worn out and just plain tired and I wasn't able to effectively push so Rocky's head slipped back and back came the lip. I moved to squatting on our bed to try and work with gravity to get Rocky to move down. He was trying to come out at an angle and all crooked and with a hand up and was being straight up difficult. The squatting didn't work so I moved to all fours to try and relieve the urge to push that way. It was so hard not to push with my body. I was able to sit through one contraction without my body convulsing into a push. So back to sitting we went and I pushed. I pushed like there was no tomorrow. I had been looking over to Jose from time to time and he looked scared out of his mind. He had tears in his eyes and he told me later he was scared and just hated seeing me hurt and wanted to make it stop so bad but there was nothing he could do. At this point all I could say when they told me we were so close was "Is Jose going to catch? I want him to catch". Finally Rocky's head was very visible and he crowned. I pushed. Out came his head. Jeri said, "Kamie you have to push right now and get this baby out". I pushed and Jose barely caught him he came so fast and in my arms he went. At 4:48 in the morning he was here finally! Within 30 minutes Rocky had pooped on me...twice.
This was also when things got scary. I had hemorrhaged, and was loosing lots of blood. Rocky's cord had almost instantly stopped pulsing. So they quickly cut his cord because my placenta needed to come and come quick. Diane quickly drew up some pitocin and gave me two shots off it. I had Rocky latch on to nurse to help release some natural oxytocin to help my uterus contract and Jose massaged my other breast. Jeri and Diane switched places and Jeri gave me this stuff to hold under my tounge to help stop the bleeding. I had to push and push to help my placenta come. It finally came and I had to drink tons and tons of water to help the bleeding stop. It stopped and got me stabilized. They cleaned up Rocky and Jose got him in his very first diaper and his pjs and all swaddled up. I was so thankful no ivs or oxygen had to be involved. That was one of my reasons for having a home birth, to avoid all that, I didn't like the thought of being hooked up to tubes and cords. They helped me up and get to the bathroom to go to the bathroom. I couldn't feel a thing and had torn in all the wrong places and it hurt. Before they moved me to the bathroom the tried to get me to pee in a diaper. That didn't work I couldn't do it. So we went to the bathroom that helped but it stung. Diane mixed up some beta-dine to squirt on me to help neutralize the stinging but then I couldn't hear myself pee cause that was the only was I could tell if I was peeing was to hear it cause I couldn't feel a thing. Jeri was sponge bathing me and trying to get me cleaned up. I had Diane quit squirting and I would just deal with the stinging. While I was going to the bathroom Jose and Jeri took off the dirty sheets and sheet protector. I'm so glad we used black sheets. I just about covered our queen size bed in blood. I was able to go to the bathroom and Jeri and Diane left us alone to bond with Rocky for almost an hour while they went in the living room to do some paper work. That was wonderful it was just Jose, Rocky and me in the quiet of our home in our bed with our new baby. They came back to examine my tears and determine what should happen next. Jeri had another appointment she needed to go to so they called Carmen and Carmen met Jeri at the Gladewater office to pick up more supplies and get directions. Diane in the mean time weighed, measured, and examined Rocky. Which we regretfully didn't take any pictures of. I asked Diane how much she thought he weighed and she said probably 8.5lbs. False. 9lbs 6oz. She measured how long he was and laughed, and said "That can't be right". She measured him again and sure enough he was in fact 23 inches long. He had a 14 inch head. Carmen showed up and I was so happy to see her. Diane and Carmen talk about the options of what to do about my tears, glue or stitches. They decided to do stitches. I had torn all around my labia and not on my perineum where Carmen said is made to tear in child birth. I had a deep tear on the right side by my clitoris and the rest were fairly small. They numbed me as good as they could and I asked if i could have my epidural now because that hurt!! They just kind of giggled and said they were sorry cause obviously they couldn't give me one. Carmen started to stitch me up and it was very uncomfortable. As she got to the top, it started to hurt really bad. She explained to me that area is tricky to numb and she would do it as quick as possible. She finished up, and I had to go to the bathroom. The stitches made going to the bathroom so much better! I got nestled back in bed and Jose's brother Ben called. (around 7:30) Ben had text Jose that night and asked if we wanted to go to the yamboree. Rocky let out a cry and Ben found out he was an uncle! Diane went over postpartum stuff with us and told us to go to sleep! It was close to 9 when they left and we called/text our family to let them know Rocky had arrived and they could come over after 1:00.
It went great and is something I will never forget. I can't wait till the next baby, and to have another successful home birth!
That my friend, was a JOKE! Granted I wasn't having crazy hard contractions but enough to make me hate my life and not want to lay in bed. Kudos to those that birth in the hospital and have to lay in a bed! That hurt and was super uncomfortable. I got up took a shower, and ate some breakfast, cause all I wanted to do was move! Get up and move! I was supposed to have my visiting teacher over that day so I freaked and asked Jose what I should do. We ( I ) didn't want anyone but ourselves and the midwives to know when we were in labor because since we were having a home birth there's not exactly a waiting room for people to wait in and have a nurse update you every so often if need be and I didn't want to say "we're in labor!" and HOURS go by without anyone hearing anything and they worry. He told me to just tell her not to come over and I didn't feel good. I freaked cause I just knew once I told her we needed to reschedule cause I didn't feel good would red flag "she's in labor". Then I got asked by one of my dear co workers to go out to eat (which I could have gone and had my vt over...erg.) I freaked again. I acted completely opposite of the way I thought I would. Cause I surely knew if I told Brittany that I couldn't and didn't feel good she would so know I was in labor. I was also supposed to go to SAMs with my mom, that didn't happen either. I text Jose around 10 and tell him he better plan to come home around lunch. I'm not gonna lie my whole pregnancy I was pumped, I had it built it up in my head that I was going to have this quick easy labor and I had nothing to worry about and I would be chill. False. I freaked. I was scared out of my mind. I needed Jose home so I just wasn't alone. He got home between 12-1. And fixed me some lunch and went to burn the Rocky soundtrack and some other songs to play when Rocky was being born, because he dreamed up that the Rocky theme song would be played when Rocky was being born. (I'm pretty sure Jose would have died if that happened). I tried to focus. I know now I should have told Jose that we should go to the store and walk around or something, because little did I know it would be a while till Rocky was here. I labored and labored and called the midwives around 4 because I just wanted to give them the heads up "hey you probably shouldn't drive home" because they had been doing prenatals all day in Tyler. Jeri called me a little later to check up on my told me they were finishing up and going to grab a bite to eat and be there soon.
Jeri showed up at 8 and checked me. I was dilated to a 4 and pissed. I was frustrated that that's all it was. Diane showed up a little after came in said hi and then left our bedroom to let me do my thing. For the most part I was laboring on my knees leaned up against the bed swaying my hips when needed. It was the most comfortable things started to kick it up a notch and my hips and knees started to hurt so I went to relax in the tub and see if that helped any I got in there for a little bit and the warm water was heavenly. I had a vulnerable "I can't do this" moment, "Jose please beg them to break my water" moment. Jose wouldn't do it and he kept telling me I was doing awesome and that I was fine and it would break soon enough. I ended up asking Diane anyways and she helped me realize it would break eventually and it was going to be ok. I got out cause I was getting uncomfortable in our small tub. Jeri checked me again around 11 cause I just knew I had to be so close. I was half right. I was at a 7 and I said "crap I shouldn't of had you check me it's about to get rough and I'm about to hate my life". And I did, I hated it bad. I went and sat on our bedroom floor with Jose behind me helping me breath. Poor guy was pinned between me and the wall and with each contraction he got smooshed. Eventually my butt started to hurt so I tried getting on my knees again that wasn't comfortable anymore so we got on the bed and Jose sat behind me. I ended up getting super relaxed so Jeri told me I needed to change positions, because I wasn't helping things any. I had to go to the bathroom so I waddled to the bathroom (which labor was the only time I waddled during pregnancy...weird) and went potty and bam I was pushing. Jeri and Diane both said "oh she's pushing, lets get her to the bed" I freaked cause I knew what I was doing but I was just trying to focus and feel what was going on. I said "Can't I just go in there?" talking about the tub in my head since I was pushing Rocky was about to fall out, and I was scared I'd have that "I didn't know I was pregnant" moment and I turn and bam, baby. This was not the case.
(2:30 am October 20)I got in the tub tried to push for probably a good 30 min and it just wasn't happening I couldn't get any good worth while pushes. The tub was just too small. We moved to the bed and I was able to push a little better. Around 3:30 I had one really good push and have you ever seen a HUGE water balloon explode? MY WATER BROKE! FINALLY! The looks on Jeri and Diane's faces were priceless Diane I can't remember exactly what Diane said but I remember her saying something like "That's about to pop" and right as she went to grab another protective pad thing my water broke all over Jeri and the bed. It was awesome. I remember feeling frustrated like "ugh finally it broke and I'm not feeling immense pressure like I thought I would after it broke". That was probably due to the fact that I thought my legs were dislocated from my hips and I couldn't feel anything else. Jeri had to check me again to make sure nothing changed after my water broke, and it had I had de-dilated and I had an anterior lip on my cervix. So I had to sit and NOT push for about 3 contractions. I told Jeri "We are not friends right now". That is the worst thing ever! That's like telling someone who has to pee to go sit on the toilet and not pee. Rocky finally moved his sweet little head down to push my cervix right. And we were pushing again. I ended up getting worn out and just plain tired and I wasn't able to effectively push so Rocky's head slipped back and back came the lip. I moved to squatting on our bed to try and work with gravity to get Rocky to move down. He was trying to come out at an angle and all crooked and with a hand up and was being straight up difficult. The squatting didn't work so I moved to all fours to try and relieve the urge to push that way. It was so hard not to push with my body. I was able to sit through one contraction without my body convulsing into a push. So back to sitting we went and I pushed. I pushed like there was no tomorrow. I had been looking over to Jose from time to time and he looked scared out of his mind. He had tears in his eyes and he told me later he was scared and just hated seeing me hurt and wanted to make it stop so bad but there was nothing he could do. At this point all I could say when they told me we were so close was "Is Jose going to catch? I want him to catch". Finally Rocky's head was very visible and he crowned. I pushed. Out came his head. Jeri said, "Kamie you have to push right now and get this baby out". I pushed and Jose barely caught him he came so fast and in my arms he went. At 4:48 in the morning he was here finally! Within 30 minutes Rocky had pooped on me...twice.
This was also when things got scary. I had hemorrhaged, and was loosing lots of blood. Rocky's cord had almost instantly stopped pulsing. So they quickly cut his cord because my placenta needed to come and come quick. Diane quickly drew up some pitocin and gave me two shots off it. I had Rocky latch on to nurse to help release some natural oxytocin to help my uterus contract and Jose massaged my other breast. Jeri and Diane switched places and Jeri gave me this stuff to hold under my tounge to help stop the bleeding. I had to push and push to help my placenta come. It finally came and I had to drink tons and tons of water to help the bleeding stop. It stopped and got me stabilized. They cleaned up Rocky and Jose got him in his very first diaper and his pjs and all swaddled up. I was so thankful no ivs or oxygen had to be involved. That was one of my reasons for having a home birth, to avoid all that, I didn't like the thought of being hooked up to tubes and cords. They helped me up and get to the bathroom to go to the bathroom. I couldn't feel a thing and had torn in all the wrong places and it hurt. Before they moved me to the bathroom the tried to get me to pee in a diaper. That didn't work I couldn't do it. So we went to the bathroom that helped but it stung. Diane mixed up some beta-dine to squirt on me to help neutralize the stinging but then I couldn't hear myself pee cause that was the only was I could tell if I was peeing was to hear it cause I couldn't feel a thing. Jeri was sponge bathing me and trying to get me cleaned up. I had Diane quit squirting and I would just deal with the stinging. While I was going to the bathroom Jose and Jeri took off the dirty sheets and sheet protector. I'm so glad we used black sheets. I just about covered our queen size bed in blood. I was able to go to the bathroom and Jeri and Diane left us alone to bond with Rocky for almost an hour while they went in the living room to do some paper work. That was wonderful it was just Jose, Rocky and me in the quiet of our home in our bed with our new baby. They came back to examine my tears and determine what should happen next. Jeri had another appointment she needed to go to so they called Carmen and Carmen met Jeri at the Gladewater office to pick up more supplies and get directions. Diane in the mean time weighed, measured, and examined Rocky. Which we regretfully didn't take any pictures of. I asked Diane how much she thought he weighed and she said probably 8.5lbs. False. 9lbs 6oz. She measured how long he was and laughed, and said "That can't be right". She measured him again and sure enough he was in fact 23 inches long. He had a 14 inch head. Carmen showed up and I was so happy to see her. Diane and Carmen talk about the options of what to do about my tears, glue or stitches. They decided to do stitches. I had torn all around my labia and not on my perineum where Carmen said is made to tear in child birth. I had a deep tear on the right side by my clitoris and the rest were fairly small. They numbed me as good as they could and I asked if i could have my epidural now because that hurt!! They just kind of giggled and said they were sorry cause obviously they couldn't give me one. Carmen started to stitch me up and it was very uncomfortable. As she got to the top, it started to hurt really bad. She explained to me that area is tricky to numb and she would do it as quick as possible. She finished up, and I had to go to the bathroom. The stitches made going to the bathroom so much better! I got nestled back in bed and Jose's brother Ben called. (around 7:30) Ben had text Jose that night and asked if we wanted to go to the yamboree. Rocky let out a cry and Ben found out he was an uncle! Diane went over postpartum stuff with us and told us to go to sleep! It was close to 9 when they left and we called/text our family to let them know Rocky had arrived and they could come over after 1:00.
It went great and is something I will never forget. I can't wait till the next baby, and to have another successful home birth!
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