Nothing particularly went wrong today. It went great actually.
Woke up cuddled my little man for a bit while he was still sleeping. He woke up, we changed his diaper I put him back in his crib took a shower and got dressed and then went to nurse the little monster because he was fussin for his momma. Dropped him off at my mom's went to work did a color, drove back to my mom's nursed Rocky, chatted a bit, nursed Rocky to sleep, left to grab a bite, went back to work, did another color, went back to my mom's, nursed Rocky, went to the store and got dinner ( I suck at meal planning, or sticking to the "plan" for that matter), went home cooked it, ate it, attempted to feed Rocky his dinner (green beans) he wasn't having it cause he only took one nap at Grandma's, so we nursed and he feel asleep around 8ish and has been asleep ever since (11:45 now)
He's not in his pjs. In fact his onesie isn't even buttoned because he was demanding to nurse so bad and didn't even want a diaper change.
But it's just been one of those days. I found myself getting in my car this morning and just wanting to cry. I keep making up excuses in my head, you've got some last minute things to do before Racheal's baby shower tomorrow, money's tight, Rocky is being a very attached momma's boy and you can't get anything done because that's his only symptom of teething, the house is dirty, the laundry needs to be done, your tired, your clothes don't fit. But that's all they are, excuses. None of them are valid. A very smart friend of mine posted this as her status the other day, it was something along the lines of she's a better parent when she does things out of love not obligation. I tried this so hard today to do this once I finally got Rocky to settle down and be quiet and fall asleep. Jose wanted me to go to the gym for 30 min to blow off steam and then soak in a hot bath for another 30. He went to go help my brother move some things in the new duplex they just bought (more on that later, it's a genius idea), and when he came home he asked what I was going to do and I said I was being held hostage and couldn't move because Rocky needed me there next to him. In the back of my mind I think maybe I needed to be there laying next to him feeling needed more then he needed me to. Cause sure enough he was doing his pass out, half wake up comfort nurse thing so I picked him up switched boobs and he was still out cold so I took him to his bed. And there he's been since 8:30ish. I didn't feel like leaving the house cause I was afraid of getting in my car and crying my eyes out for no reason at all just to cry and let it all out. (crap...like I'm doing right now) So I crafted some and made tissue puff ball things for the shower tomorrow. It helped. Then about 2 hrs ago now Jose said he was going to bed and I said I had to much to do so I was staying up. Honestly, I didn't want to go to bed cause I knew I'd cry and Jose hates to see me cry when I don't know why I do. (dang, depression).
And that my friend is the conclusion I've come to. My not-so-nice-friend depression. It's been visiting for a week, and I just fully realized it today as it came BAM slapped me in the face and dropped a ton of bricks on me. And I know it's not PMS that was almost 2 weeks ago. I have to figure out how to be a good mom with it. It's a daily struggle to work through it and take it one minute at a time. Most days thankfully are better then the rest. I'm better then this. I can beat this. I need to beat this. Rocky needs a fully functional mom. Jose deserves a wife, a homemaker. He doesn't deserve to come home to what he's come home to the past week and a half almost two weeks. But I can't go there either. I have to keep my head above water. Rocky doesn't know any better all he knows is if his mommy cuddles him and feeds him and changes his diaper and keeps him safe. (check) I do that. Jose (thankfully) understands. Silently understands. I owe him the world.
Part of me wants to be pregnant again. I was the HAPPIEST ever pregnant. I never felt like this, not once. But I am scared to death to be pregnant again. I had such a wonderful pregnancy, and fairly smooth labor and delivery I'm TERRIFIED it will be the complete opposite (and excuse my french but I don't know how else to describe it) I'm terrified it will be a living hell.
I am so encapsulating my placenta next time for days like this.
Thank goodness for tomorrows and starting over.
Hang in there, pretty mama. You're a fantastic mommy and by reading your statuses about making dinners and other things, I know you're a fabulous wife, as well. Ezra Taft Benson said, "A woman whose life is involved in the righteous rearing of her children has a better chance of keeping up her spirits than the woman whose total concern is centered in her own personal problems." So keep up your good work, Mommy. You're doing a great job. Hang in there.
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